Twits Illustrated 54b, starring Jerilyn Pool

The baby is old enough to earn her keep by dressing up to get us candy. If she knows what’s good for her, she won’t come home with raisins. —@AuntMarvel

Twits Illustrated 54a, starring Jerilyn Pool

The baby is old enough to earn her keep by dressing up to get us candy. If she knows what’s good for her, she won’t come home with raisins. —@AuntMarvel

Twits Illustrated 53, starring Wry Redhead

When your dog is away, feeding your toddler rice is pretty much the worst idea ever. —@wryredhead

Twits Illustrated 52, starring charlie gschwend

There’s a conference call in next room with a tiny man monotonically uttering nonce words or I’m picking up number stations on my fillings. —@chuckfive

Twits Illustrated 51, starring hotdogsladies

Oh, look. Another $30 million fighter jet, buzzing my house at 7:30am.

I hope it’s a Transformer that turns into libraries and health care.

—@hotdogsladies

Twits Illustrated 50, starring HotAmishChick

I LOST MY PONY I LOST MY PONY I LOST oh wait there he is.

Peekaboo is stressful.

—@HotAmishChick

Twits Illustrated 49, starring Katie Rose

When you look in the mirror and the first phrase you think of is “mentally unstable tortoise”, it’s probably time for a haircut. —@katefeetie

Twits Illustrated 48, starring Non Sequiturific

Perhaps Jack was destined to be a dull boy, regardless of his work/play ratio. —@nonsequiturific

Twits Illustrated 47, starring megelizabeth

my neighbors are rockin’ out. this displeases me. they need to stop, or learn how to rock out with more talent. —@megelizabeth

Twits Illustrated 46, starring Chris Riebschlager

Every day is a chance to change your life. Except for today. You are not doing a damn thing today. You are really disappointing. —@riebschlager

Twits Illustrated 45, starring Avery Edison

Grandma just got a new kidney. But we’re not letting her leave the hospital. Those things lose half their value once you drive off the lot. —@aedison

Twits Illustrated 44, starring Melissa Pierce

I never get past two during the “I’m going to count to three” threat. Not one of us is sure of what is supposed to happen after three. —@melissapierce

Twits Illustrated 43, starring Adam Koford

Got rid of the beard. Pretty sure I saw a bird fly out of it as I was shaving. —@apelad

Twits Illustrated 42, starring J-Money

I hate cold, rainy days when the dog and I are stuck inside, each of us contemplating whether we’d be happier if the other ran away. —@gordonshumway

Twits Illustrated 41, starring Jason Sweeney

No matter how fast you’re going, driving is more fun when you say “WHEEEE!!!” —@sween