“I’m approaching my 48th Twits Illustrated. 48 is like 50, but flexible. It is divisible by 2,3,4,6,8,12,16,24. Well done, 48! With that kind of milestone coming up, I want to do something fun to thank you for your lovely tweets. (And also to increase the strength of my vice-like stranglehold on the Internet. Have I mentioned I’m rocking a Tumblarity of 72?) It should be fun. It will involve a giveaway of a real thing. More details will be forthcoming as I make them up.”—Jeff Gill
In which I go all 'God' and 'Jesus' and 'sorry' and stuff
Someone:So, this whole #howgoodisgod meme on Twitter yesterday...
Someone:A lot of people are having a good go at God. You must be pretty cheesed off, being a Christian and all.
Me:Not really. I'm more sorry.
Someone:Ah, going the turn the other cheek, holier-than-thou route?
Me:No, I'm sorry that we Christians have created an angry, controlling, power-hungry deity in our own image and announced it to the world as truth. I'm sorry that we have presented the world a choice of a micro-controlling despot that is somehow good or nothing. I'm sorry that we have had priorities other than God's. I'm sorry that we have conflated the good news of Jesus with nationalism and created a bastard monster offspring that is worthless for patriots and Christians alike. I'm sorry that we have repeatedly been anti-Christ in our behaviour, especially towards the people who need Jesus' love the most.
Someone:Geez. You're really sorry.
Someone:That's nice and all, but what about the Old Testament and all the God-inspired war and rape and pillage and the flood and the fire and brimstone?
Me:Have you actually read the Old Testament?
Someone:Bits of it.
Me:Good. Then you'll have noticed that it's not a monocultural violence-fest all the way through. You will have noticed people's understanding of God grows in clarity throughout the Old Testament as God works with people because God is committed to this thing called free will.
Me:Look. Someone cleverer than me could demolish that last sentence and reduce me to a quivering wreck in the corner in 30 seconds, even though I actually do know what I'm talking about. Let me get on to the important bit, okay?
Me:The New Testament, the part of the bible that especially and directly applies to Christians, says that if we want to know what God is like we have to look at Jesus. Jesus, the guy who offered his life in order to give the rest of us true live (ignore whether or not you think he was nuts for a minute), the one who freely fed, healed ate with and taught anyone, including women, in a society where things like that were Not Done.
Me:So when we look at the Old Testament we need to do it through the lens of Jesus, which means--
Someone:You are totally boring me here. I read this blog for the silly drawings, not theology lessons.
Me:You're right. Let me say this, and I'll shut up. I have this dream of a bunch of Christians who are known for their sacrificial love for the world they live in, not for their politics and their condemning skills. A community of people who, if they are hated at all, it is because they good that they do threatens the power structures of oppressors. A group that brings change, not by passing legislation, but openly, freely, generously demonstrating a different way of living.
Someone:That would be all right. But there are about a billion things you didn't cover.
“Wow! I just saw a screen shot of some Tumblarity at like seventeen hundred and whatever! That’s totally Photoshopped, right? Because my Tumblarity is at fourteen, and I really don’t think the computers can count that high anyway.”—Jeff Gill
In which the question 'Should Jeff rap?' is answered conclusively and negatively
At our church we do a lot of live comedy sketches. It’s fun. It doesn’t have to be as polished as video. And it helps people be receptive to hearing things they wouldn’t be comfortable with if they weren’t laughing at the silly people on stag
Christine and I have a couple of recurring characters. Jedediah Garcia, aka Tex Mex, is a transplanted Texas rancher with a monkey ranch on the Isle of Anglesey. Myfanwy is a very persistent girl from the Valleys of South Wales.
A few months ago we sang Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan’s ‘Especially for you’. People laughed a lot. We decided to bring it back for the occasion of two couples renewing their wedding vows. Because I have an obsessive drive to tinker and improve, I remixed the track a bit and added some Texas ra
You probably shouldn’t watch this video — the sound is bad, I can’t sing, and I rap like a white man in his thirties who can’t rap — but if you insist, you might as well watch it full screen. (Tumblr people will have to get off the Dashboard to see the video. Best to stay on the Dashboard, then.)
Hey, did you know that our family entertainment centre, aka our iMac computer/TV/DVD player/stereo died a few weeks ago? It did. The sad part about this is that Christine has had to give up her upstairs work computer to keep us all, especially the kids, from going crazy over the summer holidays. This means it is harder for her to process her lovely photos which means it is harder for her to earn money which means — do you see the vicious cycle of death I’m describing?
Leaders of failed nations, take note: elections aren't THAT hard to do
After multiple recounts, bedtime stories, an urgent email from my sister and a bath, the Results Are In. The winner, with a landslide majority of 100%, is zolora. In what was probably the most shocking turn of the days events, even her opponent voted for her, noting that ‘She’s waaay better looking than me.’
Dictator-in-Chief of Twits Illustrated, Jeff Gill has announced that he ‘accepts the will of the people’. His only other comment…
…Okay, I’m bored of writing about myself in the third person. I feel like Bob Dole. I actually have a few comments about this lovely vote.
Thanks to the five (5!) of you who voted.
The illustration will be great, I hope.
So you know, what you will be missing out on is a stick man catching an Entire Ball, including the Orchestra.
My only disappoint is with atsween. My friend, liking democracy is not enough. You have to vote. The people who merely like democracy are the ones who let the fascists win. There. I’ve said it. I won’t go on.
“The polls are closed. Votes are being counted. Tension is high. Dinner is being made. Real life is intruding. We estimate the results will begin coming in around 2130 BST.”—Jeff Gill, Twits Illustrated election correspondent
In which my brain goes 'bing', well not 'bing' because Microsoft stole 'bing', but you know what I mean
I finally get the Internet, the good parts, I mean, like Wikipedia and Textpattern and Tumblr and Twitter and Google but especially the fact that if you want to see or learn about or do anything, somebody has taken the time to post something about how to do it. Millions of people are giving away billions of pounds worth of time and knowledge and I used to wonder why - I used to marvel at the selflessness - especially when reading some kind person’s CSS tutorial.
There is the kindness of humans, and that explains a lot, but not all, not why someone would spend hours putting together a page with illustrations or photos or video about how to gut a fish (Results 1 - 10 of about 7,520,000, sadly there are no results for ‘how to gut a grilled cheese sandwich’). These people aren’t going to become famous. If you are like me, most times you grab what you need, think a thankful thought and head back to your project without a clue who wrote the page.
So why do it?
You probably already know this, but I only figured it out last night while I was posting Twits Illustrated 33. There is a joy that comes from adding something to culture (I use this word in its lowercase, very loose sense), of knowing that you have contributed a tiny bit to the enrichment of humanity.
Part of me is now shouting: WRONG! You are doing it for the hearts and stars.
I answer back in a reasonable voice: You are kind of right. I love getting hearts and stars, probably too much, but that’s not the why I do it. Why I do it is because you might look at enjoy and I will have added something to your life, and that little glow we both get is why there is the Internet.
Yeah, I know, naïve, shmaltz, DARPAnet, science, commerce, government, whatever. Just trust me, I’m right on this.